Offsites won’t save you from monday

Any good couples therapist—or romance novel—will tell you: grand gestures are sweet, but they won't save a relationship that's starving for care in the in-between.

If you're not tending to the small moments—everyday kindness, accountability, presence—then no amount of balloons or birthday brunches will carry you through the hard parts.

Same goes for work.

You can design the most beautiful offsite. Hire the facilitator with the perfect deck. End the day with gratitude circles and team commitments and that feeling that this time it's going to be different.

And then Monday hits.

The same meeting where no one speaks up. The same inbox tone that makes people defensive. The same decisions made behind closed doors while everyone else pretends not to notice.

Your rituals can't save you from your routines.

We Mistake the Big Moments for the Whole Culture

We love rituals. They give us a sense of intention, a moment of pause, a reason to gather and reflect. They feel important. They are important.

But we often mistake them for the culture itself. As if a well-designed quarterly review can cover up the fact that no one feels safe speaking up in your daily stand-ups. Or that a gratitude circle on Monday morning can undo a week of burnout, overbooking, and performative check-ins.

Here's what actually tells the story:

When someone new joins your team, you don't say, "We run amazing project retros." You say, "You'll love our Friday jam sessions. There's always good food and real talk."

But what do they actually experience? The jam session or the unspoken tension in every Monday meeting?

Rituals are the moments you remember. Routines are what you live.

The Danger of Over-Relying on the Reset

The danger comes when we try to use rituals to fix what our routines keep breaking.

We lean on the big moment—the reset, the retreat, the reflection—hoping it will make up for the frayed edges we tolerate the rest of the time.

But rituals can't compensate for routines that contradict your values. They can't undo the damage of a week where people felt ignored, overworked, or unsafe. They just become performance. Theater. Something people show up for because they have to, not because it means anything.

Culture isn't built in quarterly offsites. It's built in the daily stand-ups. The email tone. How decisions actually get made. Whether people feel heard or just handled.

Rituals remind you what the rhythm is for. But routines? Routines are the rhythm.

What You Permit and what you practice

Your team knows what you value by what you tolerate.

Not by what you say in the all-hands. Not by what's written on the wall. By what happens when no one's watching. By what gets rewarded. By what gets quietly punished or ignored.

If your routines fall out of sync with your values, your rituals become hollow. People see through them. And your culture starts to drift.

You can have the most beautifully designed gratitude ritual in the world. But if your meetings still feel like interrogations and your email tone still makes people brace for impact, what message are you really sending?

Culture isn't what you preach. It's what you permit. And what you practice. Every day.

Start Asking Different Questions

Take stock. Not of your rituals—of your routines.

Where do things feel stalled, stuck, or tense?
Not in the retreat. In the day-to-day.

Are you creating work-arounds to avoid discomfort—or to protect a value that's being eroded?
If so, where? And why?

Where are you seeing signs of fatigue? Joy? Renewed or lagging energy?
Those are signals. Opportunities to investigate, get curious, and maybe try a small experiment to realign.

This isn't about doing more. It's about choosing differently. Intentionally.

Because the offsite won't fix your Mondays.

Your routines will.